What I really want
by Cocoboheme
Summary: Blair is faced the hard core facts. She doesn't have too much time left so it's time to do a review of her life. Blair POV.


**So I felt kinda depressed when I wrote this. It's Blair POV.**

**Also english is not my first language so I'm sorry for all the grammatical mistakes.**

* * *

''Maybe three months... six at the very most without a chemo treatment. That depends.

What do you really want Mrs Waldorf?''

I was sitting here, in this too cold practice in front of this eminent oncologist, and in spite of

myself, I couldn't help but smile.

What I really wanted...

I've never been really good at it, to ﬁgure out what I really want.

All my life, I did terrible choices, I stubbornly and systematically walked straight to the wrong option, except once.

But I'd do it all again. Everything. The screw ups, the pains. Everything if it

leads to him.

However, in this speciﬁc moment, my options weren't particularly appealing... Maximum six

months without a treatment, a few more if I go with the injections, the radiation therapy and

all that follows from that.

Not really a fan of hospitals. I've been there, and from what the nice doctor is telling me, it

didn't really work out.

I'm not looking forward to plead my cause in front of God either.

"_Yep I'm not sure you can get yourself a good attorney up there Waldorf. And yet you were_

_the one who told me that money could buy everything.''_

Shut up Humphrey!

He's always in my mind, his voice trailing in the back of my head, conversing with me

even when he wasn't there, annoying, hard-hitting, disconcerting, though oddly reassuring.

I take a deep breath then I start to speak.

''I don't want a treatment.''

''Are you sure?''

''Not really. Is anyone ever be?''

I smile at her, she smiles as well, she's young and healthy, she's all that I'll never be again.

* * *

I wait a few minutes before I start up the car. Just the time I need to pull myself together

and process the news, then ﬁnd the good words to say to him.

Relapse? ... No hope for remission? ... I love you?... I'm sorry?...

Oh Lord! He's going to be so mad at me.

_''Here we go again! You can't avoid problems, can you?''_

Humphrey! Not now.

Wow! I'm going crazy.

''What do you really want Mrs Humphrey?''

The oncologist's question continues to bug me and since I'm going to die... Oh yeah! Don't

be misled. It's happening, there will be no happy ending this time... I think it's about time to

answer this question.

Memories rush through my brain. I'm trying to put things straight and start to the beginning.

Now I remember, I'm ﬁve years old and I'm lost in my reverie.

One day my prince will come

I repeat this like a mantra. Maybe if I continue my wish will come true.

We're just kids, we're the queens of the school, we're invicible, nothing can stop us,

nothing can drive us apart, except maybe him.

Incredible emerald green eyes, bright smile, perfect haircut and casual walk. He's not a

prince but close enough.

What I want? Him.

He seems to like little Marilyn more than little Audrey. I don't care. I'll do whatever it takes.

He's going to love me and we're going to have our happily ever after.

I didn't know back then that love wasn't such a thing to be controlled.

* * *

We grow up.

I love him, he loves me... not enough.

Anyway it feels right.

Serena is more and more stunning. She attracts everyone's attention.

I'm transparent.

Everyone loves her more, my mother... Nate...

I try my best to not think about it.

Luckily I have my father. He's my rock, my hero.

If I can't control my life, I can control my body.

I feel terrible, I feel disgusting.

My perfect little family ﬂies into pieces, Nate is distant and I have no one to tell since my

best friend is far away from here.

Mum barely looks at me. Dad barely looks at mum.

Who cares? We still can act like everything's fine.

It doesn't change a thing. I guess it's tiring to pretend all the time.

My parents end up in the wrong half of the statistics.

Dad leaves and my whole world is falling apart.

The worst part is that our world don't allow us to mourn. No, we always have to be perfect in any circumstances.

So I try to control more and I feel more terrible, I feel more disgusting.

* * *

Serena comes back and acts like she never left.

But I can't pretend.

When Nate was acting weird, where was she? When my father left with a freaking male

french model to live in France, where was she?

Nate and I break up. It doesn't feel right anymore.

Apparently Nate and Serena slept together behind my back.

I feel betrayed. I want to cry, I want to scream and I'm all alone.

I'm desperate and I turn to Nate's best friend. I don't really know why, I've never really

liked him.

He's ridiculous and obnoxious.

Oddly I enjoy his company. He's dangerous, he's intoxicating but I don't feel the pressure

to compete with Serena.

I play, I run wild, I get into bad ways and I ﬁnish in the back of a limo loosing my v card.

I wonder what the 10 years old me would have to say.

The answer is quite depressing.

I'm trying again with Nate. We've been together for... well I can't picture a time when I

wasn't in love with him, so I guess it's worthy to give it another shot.

If I can forgive him, I guess I can forgive Serena as well.

Speaking of her she's dating this so-called hipster. He's slovenly, condescending, self-righteous, he thinks he knows everything.

I hate him with a passion.

But people can be surprising sometimes.

I'm here in a corridor. I'm hurt again. I don't really remember why.

This guy who is basically the last person I want to talk to is here with me and he starts to

tell me about his family.

At ﬁrst I think I couldn't care less, but quickly it's soothing, and unexpectedly it's exactly

what I need to hear.

I still don't like him but I can learn to tolerate him.

* * *

Just when my life is back on track the Dark Prince decides to ruin my fairytale.

Nate and I are over, again.

Chuck continue to bring me down by every way he can.

The more he treats me like trash, the more I want him.

I've never felt something like this before. It consumes me. It eats me alive.

I don't want to love him but I can't help it.

Why he doesn't love me back?

Please I'll do anything! I just need him to love me back.

Seeing that it's not happening anytime soon I'm gonna try to focus on my future.

What I want? Get into Yale and make Daddy proud.

It's hard but nothing comes easy.

I ﬁght, I cheat, I scheme, and I'm touching my dream with my ﬁnger tips.

All of this for nothing because Humphrey comes to ruin everything.

Oh irony!

Goody-goody Humphrey, innocuous, responsible of my defeat.

I swear I'll never underestimate someone again.

* * *

After a year of making each other life a living hell, Chuck and I are ﬁnally together.

Three words, eight letters... are dancing in my head, melting my heart.

I love him, he loves me... in a bad way.

He intertwines his ﬁngers with mine, maybe I should have set them with some glue while I

still could because it doesn't seem that we know how to love each other right.

It works for a while.

But our true nature come back at full speed.

We struggle, we tear us apart until the ultimate betrayal.

It's the point of no return.

I feel dirty, my heart is broken but It hurts everywhere. I'm shattered, even when I smile, even when I laugh, deep inside I just want to cry.

What I want? A pure and simple love.

But I feel like I don't deserve to be happy.

Humphrey tells me that I in spite of everything, I'm not that bad.

I want to believe him.

* * *

Paris, in the morning.

I'm standing there, in the Musée d'Orsay, admiring Manet's brushstroke.

While the naked women of Le déjeuner sur l'herbe is staring at me, he's approaching me.

Charming, elegant, cultured, he's perfect.

As usual I mess up.

He's a real Prince so he forgives me.

It's time to return to reality.

Chuck needs my help.

Why should I help him after everything he did to me?

I don't know. Maybe to turn the page once and for all.

Who am I kidding?

I can't escape from him. It's like I take pleasure in being in this unhealthy relationship.

* * *

Manhattan, I'm back to my natural environment.

My ﬂaws are back as well.

Chuck is happy and I can't stand it.

It's not even the fact that he's actually happy, it's that he wasn't with me.

It's unbereable so I damage his relationship beyond repair.

He hates me. He promises to destroy me.

I'm not scared because it's already done. I'm just the shadow of my former self.

After a few low blows, the Chuck and Blair ballade is on again.

But we never could function properly. So we ﬁnd another excuse.

I just want to be a powerful women and I want to do this alone.

We let go of each other, again.

Meanwhile, I learn to know Humphrey. And I'm surprised to see that we're not so different.

Sure he's still annoying, though challenging, interesting, witty.

I'm starting to understand the Humphrey appeal.

What if it was more? No I can't allow myself to think about him in this way.

No! We're the kind of opposites who do not attract.

* * *

My french prince found me.

Maybe I'm going to have my fairytale after all.

It was without counting on my worst intincts.

I can't believe I'm doing the same mistakes over and over again.

I'm pregnant and I don't even know who the father is.

But I have a shoulder to cry on. He's always there, no matter what.

My annoying constant friend, reassuring, protective, kind, loyal. He's my conﬁdent.

I love the prince but I love Chuck more.

How do you kill a feeling? You just can't.

We escape together.

I guess it was wrong because we never succeed.

I lost my baby.

I'm tired, there's nothing left inside of me. It's so heavy like I can't even breathe.

Chuck is in a critical state.

I need my friend. He's my life preserver.

His safe arms are always open.

Chuck is okay but my prince has already forgave me too much time.

The fairytale is becoming a nightmare.

He's the reason why I survive. So I want him to be happy.

''Tell me what would make you happy Dan?''

Out of nowhere he kissed me. It's gentle, it feel right but it's so wrong.

I don't want to hurt Serena so I suck it up.

She says that I'm the star of his book and I never took the time to read it.

I read. Never someone has described me like this.

Dan loves me for me.

Just me Blair Waldorf.

And for the first time I feel... beautiful... I found my center.

He said that he wanted more.

I want more too.

What if Dan was my pure and simple love?

* * *

I make the resolution to be happy.

Dan brings me to the step of the met.

With a huge grin on his face, he crowns me and I ﬁnally let it go.

Everything, the dysfuntional family, the bulimia, the inferiority complex, the dreams of

princess, the empire hotel ﬁasco, the miscarriage, the dowry.

I'm free.

I love him, he loves me... and all the rest dosn't matter.

It's overwhelming.

He's what I've never knew I've always wanted.

Of course, resolutions aren't always enough, and the next years will have their ups and

downs.

it's not because you decide to turn your back on the past that it won't try to catch up.

Anyway I know that what I have is too precious. I won't jeopardize any of it.

* * *

We're thirty.

We ﬁgure that if we want this to work we had to stay far away from the Upper East Side.

California here we comes!

Friendships are stronger in spite of the distance.

Nate and Serena get married.

Bellies become round. Lack of exercise, pregnancy, that depends.

I have everything I have ever wanted

We're about forty.

He's a succesful writer, I'm Anna Wintour 2.0.

Children grow up.

I'm afraid they took the same path than me when I was ﬁfteen, but they have something I

didn't have.

A place who feels like home and parents who love them more than anything and know

their priorities.

The time is speeding up.

Children have their own lives.

We decide to get married... Because there isn't any good reason to do it anymore.

I walk towards him, without ever take my eyes off of him.

He makes a funny face, I smile at him.

I have butterﬂies in my stomach, I'm twenty all over again.

I keep my name, I attach his. Waldorf Humphrey, reunited for the eternity.

But death makes us remember that there is no such a thing as eternity.

My mother, Nate's parents...

Time goes by and does its work.

* * *

Our children have children.

We've come full circle.

I'm content.

And one day, I feel dizzy, I cough... a lot.

I think I'm okay.

I'm stubborn

Until Dan forces me to go to the doctor.

And the verdict, Implacable, immediate, ﬁnal : a lung tumor.

You got to be kidding me?

Never lit a cigarette and that's you bring me?

I try to joke, I try to put things into perspective. But it's hard.

Especially when he has tears in his eyes.

I lose my sense of humor. We can't be separate from each other

I just want a little more time.

I'm going to kick this cancer ass!

I do chemo. I lose my hair, I lose weight, I'm weak.

But I win!

* * *

Five more years.

Until a week ago.

Nausea, migraine, cough.

I recognize the symptoms.

I take an appointment.

Metastasis multiplied. It's too strong.

I won't ﬁght this time.

* * *

I'm finally back home.

He's reading. I love how nothing can't make him lose concentration. He's in his own world.

After a few minutes I cough, he looks up at me.

''I don't like that look... What is it?... Oh my God! You leave me for Chuck Bass.''

I brievely close my eyes. I could almost hear him smile.

''Dan would you stop!''

''Oh oh! It's never good when you call me Dan.''

I'm plucking up my courage and in a whisper I say :

''I had an appointment today...''

I don't need to continue. He understand right away. The perks of being together for

decades I guess.

''How much time?''

His voice is shaking.

''Six months at the very most.''

He tries to calm his breathing.

''I'm starting to regret Chuck Bass.''

He walks towards me and he hugs me, tight.

''I love you, you know.''

He says to me while drying my tears.

At this moment I know I've just broke his heart.

I can feel him clenching his teeth to prevent the tears to stream down his face.

I bury my head in his neck and I repeat again, and again, and again

''I love you, I love you, I love you...''

Six months

Make the most of him.

Every day, every minute, repeat him this three words like a sweet litany.

... This is all I really want

* * *

**So? Please tell me what you think about it. Because I don't know i don't really trust myself with this**


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